Wednesday, 11 April 2012

The pressure is mounting!


“Why are you studying engineering?”
A professor once asked us that question on the first day of our class. We were all quiet. I do not know what the other students were thinking, but I know what went on in my mind.
A whirl of emotions and words, all summarizing themselves into three words:
I don’t know.
Many months have passed since Prof. Schriemer asked us that question. But I still haven’t found the answer to the question. Why do I study engineering?
Well, I know one of the reasons. My beloved parents would be happy. Their pride at seeing their eldest daughter wearing the ring on her finger is one of the reasons I keep going on.
And nowadays, that’s more or less the only reason.
It shames me, but let’s be honest: I suck at it. I have not smart, nor am I genius. The few streaks of ingeniousness that I show come and go, but never stay permanently. I struggle, I fight, and I fall.
As Linkin Park said, “Over and over again.”
The same cycle repeats itself every year since I started university. I start the semester with fresh hopes and bright dreams of, for once, doing well in studies. But by the end of the semester, the only thing stopping me from jumping off a roof or cutting my wrists is that Shayeri is probably going to bring me back from the dead just so she can kill me again for leaving her like that. And then bring me back again to clean up the mess.
My social life consists of being holed up in a corner with my few friends, trying to get through yet another assignment. While I sit deep inside the underground computer laboratory, life goes on outside without me, and I’m not there to witness it. It has gotten to the point where I keep forgetting how bright and warm sunlight can be (and I am not making this up). I live from one week to another, trudging through mountains of homework, quizzes and lab reports, all the while pretending that “Yeah! I’m having fun! This is the life!”


The pressure keep piling up on me, and the burden becomes too much to bear. All I want is to scream out loud, but somewhere along the way I’ve lost my voice. No matter how hard I study, there’s always the small bit that I overlook, and that very same thing comes on the final test being worth 40% of the entire exam. F***!
I see others all doing better than me, and my mind subconsciously keeps comparing myself to them. I berate myself for not being as good as them. But I fail to keep up.
I am sick, and I am tired, and I cannot take this pressure anymore.
And in the end, when it becomes too much, all I can do is cry, and ask myself:
“Why am I studying engineering?”

6 comments:

  1. that's one f**ked up question i've been asking myself too !! -__- i wanted to live my passion.. but when i come to think of it.. i don't pursue only one.. =/ i want to do SO MANY things.. which I kinda do.. but not good at any of them.. I just can't keep my focus..

    see how I derived away from the topic here!! hahah!! =P

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  2. dispersed away* o_O

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  3. We felt the same when we were students. No matter what subject you study, it feels that you could do better in another. Life is not pssing you by Bachcha, you are getting yourself prepared to face life in a unique way. About Engineering, remember what Bill Gates said? :)

    Don't worry, everything will turn out well, Insha'Allah. Have faith in yourself.

    Ammu

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  4. damn, you write well! along the course of this tiny piece of writing, you managed to make me sigh, crease my eyebrows, raise my eyebrows, bite a nail or two, and laugh!
    i hope you get that my point is -- you're good at something. Be happy.
    and the thing is, you may not know it yet, but you're getting good at engineering, too. your low grades or mistakes in the final paper aren't who you are, they're what's helping you become who you'll be. you are learning from them, whether you realize it now or not. and when you step into the real world (i know you think you've already seen it, but honey, there's a lot more to come), and get to successfully deal with a very real problem with a little piece of your engineering knowledge, you'll smile to yourself and think, "Hey! Isn't that the thing I got wrong in a final and got a B??!"

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  5. I can tell you right now, as a fellow university student, that you should find something which makes you happy. Although this pleases your parents now and I'm sure their plans for you are from good intentions, in the long run they will NOT be happy to see you melancholic - a mental state which can affect your career and productivity. You should not go down a road you were never happy with, only to find that you should have made a better choice too late down that road.

    Sometimes asserting YOUR dreams and YOUR desires against what your parents' dreams is part of growing up. I'm not saying fight them. You should never fight your parents, but when it comes down to it they only want what's best for you. Sometimes success isn't measured by what degree/what college you went to, but how much love and pride you have for what you're doing. Good luck!

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  6. I stopped over from another blog, highly recommending you. I'm glad she mentioned that you have posts in English. I'd hate to miss such fantastic writing. That short work was outstanding. Great job!

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